.Kira

six things you wish you’d never done

1) started smoking. kind of iffy on this one because i’m not gonna lie I do enjoy smoking haha. but I guess if I hadn’t listened to brianne that day and taken the smoke then I wouldn’t know whether or not I liked it.

2) become friends with ry. i’d like to go back to the day where she told me I was her best friend and slap her across the face, saying “fuck that shit! get out of my house!” yep.

3) slacked off in school. i most definitely would like to change this one, please. oh, wait, what? It’s almost grad and it’s waaaaayy too fucking late? oops.

4) pushed you away

5) cut

6) listened to jess. about everything. anything.

I’m not doing 8 ways to win your heart cause that’s fucking retarded. I’ll do the next one.

7 things you think about alot.

1) the future, or lack thereof. it scares the shiiit out of me.

2) I reckon this one is a secret. There are two people who know and it’s gonna stay that way.

3) cutting, pot; relapse. i used to drown myself in pot to try and escape life, to try and forget about you. i’m not sure how i’ve managed to stay clean this long. i know it sounds retarded but pot affects me so much more than everyone else. either my shit was laced all the time, which could be possible I guess, I mean one time I was seeing these little black dots jumping all over the place swear to god. Someone told me it might’ve been laced with angel dust which would just be a right shitty situation. I miss pot so much but i’m so terrified of going back to that lifestyle; me and kels would go out and meet randoms and sleep over at totally sketchy apartments and just get friiiiieeeed. i’m surprised we never got raped or kidnapped tbh.

4) the past, people who left, people who died, people who broke my heart, people whose hearts I broke (sorry), people I grew apart from, how badly i’ve managed to shit on and fuck up my life

5) photography, drawing, writing, graphic design; all the things I had passion for at one point or another. I wasn’t talented enough though.

6) gaming. you knew this was coming.

7) work, school.

Roses are red Violets are blue Fuck you, whore

nine things about yourself

1) I was born on July 21st. I was born on the Cancer/Leo cusp (so I was born right when it shifts from Cancer to Leo) aka “the cusp of oscillation” which means that I have characteristics of both signs. Leo’s a fire sign and Cancer’s a water sign which means I can be pretty bipolar at times. :)

2) I’m a huge nerd. Anime, comics, video games, computers, really all of the cliché nerd stuff (except Star Wars/Star Trek, fuck that shit). Point me towards an internet t-shirt website and I’ll explain to you all of the obscure nerdy references.

3) I used to fence. Yeah, like, with swords. Not anymore (though I told my boss I need Tuesdays off for fencing but really I fucking hate working launch-day-Tuesday) but I kinda miss it sometimes. yes, I have scars.

4) I’m the oldest. Little sister’s turning 13 tomorrow; I was supposed to have a little brother but he died.

5) I’m a pushover and I’ll do pretty much anything for you as long as it doesn’t involve me waking up early and/or cuts into game time.

6) I can feel pain in my dreams (apparently lots of people can’t?) I also lucid dream alllll the time and I just love it. The lucid dreaming started when I used to smoke a shitload of pot and it just never went away. (in case you don’t know that means I can control every aspect of my dream, so I can recreate memories or things that I would like to happen etc.)

7) I get headaches if I go too long without caffeine/nicotine. Also, if I need a smoke really bad, I’ll get really talkative and annoying and just say anything that pops into my head. Past that point i’ll probably start shaking. :(

8) I was asked multiple times in elementary/junior high school if I would be willing to take a test to see whether or not I was gifted. I always said fuck that. The one time I consented was in grade seven, Mrs. Brophy (i think? barely remember her name) gave me a reading test and then told me my reading level was that of a third-year university student and I should have taken a test earlier. Oops. Although, my sister just took the real test and got in the 99th percentile in everything. Hey mom, how’s it feel knowing you birthed geniuses? lol

9) I’m pretty big on conspiracy theories, but I’m not a nut or anything, promise. I refused to get the vaccine for H1N1 because there was a huge rumor going around that swine flu was manufactured by the government and that they were using the vaccines to put microchips in your blood in order to track you. Crazy shit.

i don’t want to graduate
and I don’t want to find a “real job”
and I don’t want to leave everyone behind
and I don’t want to be responsible
and I definitely do not want you to forget about me, while I waste my time remembering you

1) I fucked up. And part of me wants to make excuses and tell you it wasn’t my fault and all that bullshit but no, I fucked up laaarge. You tried to understand me and for that you got a slap in the face. I want to apologize so badly but I’m so scared to. You’d be glad to know I’m over a month clean. I think it’s mostly thanks to you.

2) I wish you’d listen to me once in a while. I don’t claim to “know everything” obviously I’m seventeen fucking years old; but I have a plan and for once in my life I want you to have faith in me, please. I’m fucking sorry I didn’t take the test when they asked me, I still wouldn’t take the test; and now I’m really just pissed that she took it because I feel like I’m nothing compared to her. 99th fucking percentile that’s so much fucking bullshit. You know I could do it too, you fucking know it, but now that you have these tangible results on a piece of paper from a psychiatrist it’s a different story.

4) You mean so much to me, like you actually have no idea. I see the pain in your eyes and I want to tell you that everything’s going to be okay and that I would do absolutely anything for you and they aren’t worth it and I promise I would never hurt you. I’ll tell you everything one day. Please, even if you read this and don’t realize that this is about you; You are so much more than this. I believe in you. You’re amazing and smart and talented and for fuck’s sake, I want to see a real smile because this hurts. This hurts so much. It’s been almost six years.

5) Thank you for being my best friend. I’ve told you all of my deepest secrets and not once did you judge me. I know I screwed up a couple of times but want you to know how thankful I am to have someone like you in my life. I love our heart to hearts, our tims runs, staying up all night watching Toy Story or Grey’s Anatomy, partying till the break of dawn, building snow forts, walking around our neighbourhood at 1am, driving around blasting Eminem or Basshunter, sledding down that stupid excuse for a hill behind my house, watching hockey games at BP, getting high in the park (haha remember that?), or tubing in Joussard when it was like -40, our gaming sessions on COD beaking little kids. I love every moment I spend with you. Thank you for being there for me.

6) No… I don’t regret you; I don’t really care one way or another. Everything that came out of my mouth during those few months was a lie. I never cared about you. Sorry. Oh, that 15 year old girl you’re dating, I hope you piss her off. I hope she charges you for statutory rape; you deserve that.

7) You fucked me up. You fucked me up so badly. I fucking regret YOU so much. So much. I saw you the other night at the theatre and I acted like it was all still cool you know and we could still be friends sure I’m fucking good at faking it. But you made me see things that I should have never seen and you fucking changed me. The cuts, the drugs, the binges, the parties, the boys, oh my fucking god the boys; rehab, coke, Weezy, Dalen, Switch, Gunn, the ecstasy and the alcohol and the meth and the break in oh my god. If I could change one bloody thing about my past it would be you.

8) So we aren’t really as close as I would like, which is shitty! I think our manager should schedule us to work more shifts together, cause I kinda see some best friend potential in there. There’s a lot you don’t know about me, but you certainly seem like someone I could trust so maybe I’ll tell you everything sooner or later. I really hope we can be better friends. :)

9) You abandoned me. Go to hell.

10) She needs you, you know. I need you too. Moving away was the dumbest decision you ever made. Second dumbest was dating that fat fucking whore. Come back.